Seagalfest 2008!

Earlier this year I watched 8 Seagal films over the course of almost a week in a fit of temporary(?) insanity
I had hoped that such a magnitude of films with one of the worst leading men in history would make me appreciate films more, and we'll see if it works. So without further ado here's the rundown:

Genre: Sci fi action.

Silly name for Seagal's character: Marshall Lawson
Seagal's girth: Monstrous.
Seagal's fighting: Few, and done by badly flailing his arms around with mtv editing to cover up.
Biggest WTF line: "The man walks with an air of confidence rarely seen this day in age" .
Seagals plot justification: Kill the guy who killed his squad
Biggest WTF plot moment: The bad guy reveals his entire plot midways into the film in a fashion that puts the James Bond villains to shame, and then promptly escapes right after saying it.

Idiotic end shot: (apparently Seagal is an angel)

Seagals voice: Some his own, some of another sick sounding guy.
Bottom line: At least his sidekick was the nearly leading man for much of the film to keep some pressure off Seagal, and the visuals were nice enough. But no amount of explanation can redeem this bad film.
Rating(of 10):

Genre: Blacksploitation action.
Seagal's girth: Twice the man you'll ever be.
Seagal's fighting: Kills dozens, and even does some neck cracking but most of the time still the arms flailing style.
Biggest WTF line: "Tell every *beep* on the street they're not safe 'till I find the *beep* who killed my son. " (Seagal himself in ghetto talk)
Seagals plot justification: Kill the guy who killed his son.
Biggest WTF plot moment: Seagal rents a flat and then when he exits local gangbangers wait for him to ambush him for no particular reason at all.
Seagals voice: No dubbing, but all ghetto talk baby.
Bottom line: They actually made some effort on this one. Eddie Griffin does a decent enough job as one of the lead crooks, and Danny Trejo steps in for a cameo. Pretty bloody film too, whenever someone gets shot a couple of liters of blood splashes around.
Rating(of 10)

Genre: Dirt cheapo thriller.
Silly name for Seagal's character: Frank Glass
Seagal's girth: Big.
Seagal's fighting: Only one, and it's really his body double doing it with cuts to closeups of Seagal's face.
Biggest WTF line: "Love never dies, and neither do they. Love is eternal, and that's a long time. "
Seagal's plot justification: None, Tom Sizemore is the star(his is avenge dead partner).
Biggest WTF plot moment: Tom Sizemore runs into a crazy dirty homeless woman who tells him that the bad guys wanted to have sex with her and what license plate on the car they drove.
Seagal's voice: His own usual raspy.
Idiotic end shot: Stock footage of cars driving along at night
Bottom line: Now this is awful! Whenever something happens in terms of action in the film it's stock footage with closeups of the actors. Tom Sizemore stars in this heap of junk, as does Nas if you trust the cover he dies within 10 minutes and has half a dozen lines, Seagal plays a zen loving bomb squad leader and Dennis Hopper plays the villain with the worst irish accent you can imagine. The only thing this film has going for it is Jamie Pressly, she actually delivers a passable performance and against the norm.
I think half this film's budget was spent on the by Seagal standards rather swanky poster.
Rating(of 10):

Genre: Hitman wannabe action.
Seagal's girth: Two and a half men.
Seagal's fighting: feverently flailing his arms around.
Biggest WTF line: "You know..the individuals I interviewed after giving them..severe talking to gave me a very nice description of someone who looks exactly like you".
Seagal's plot justification: Play along of bad people will hurt his daughter
Biggest WTF plot moment: Bad guy kills a priest in confessional sorely because he knew Steven Seagal's character.
Seagal's voice: his own, but he's decided to be the king of mumbles
Idiotic end shot: Seagal walks up to his house and you get a matrix-y shot around the house.
Bottom Line: Lance Henriksen has a cameo, and damn does he look old(his character's name is old man, so I guess it's fitting). Seagal's bloated self in a suit for the big end shootout in a cemetery is just too funny. Not that bad though.
Rating(of 10):

Genre: "Macgyver meets Seagal" action.
Silly name for Seagal's character: William Lansing.
Seagal's girth: Ample enough to fill in for William Conrad if they decide to remake "Jake and the Fatman".
Seagal's fighting: Body double doing some of it and the usual tomfoolery.
Biggest WTF line: "You think this is funny? Want to get drunk?" That's to the kid he's taking care and he's just caught him drinking, and after that he just moves onto business.
Seagal's plot justification: Rescue kidnapped daughter-surrogate(Do I see a pattern here?).
Biggest WTF plot moment: Quite a few to take from in this one, but I'll take the one I learned the most from. If someone gets shot do not call for help, simply force some booze into them, find a kitchen drawer and pick up some knifes which you head up, and then just get the bullet out. Peace of cake really.
Seagal's voice: Not only does this film rely on narration to give it some sort of sense(which it fails at), but half the time it's some much more more feminine sounding actor doing his voice.
Idiotic end shot:

Bottom line: This is even worse than Ticker. The acting by everyone is Z grade, the plot doesn't even pretend to make sense, the action is shoddy. Horrible film, one of the worst I've ever seen".
Rating(of 10):

Genre: Asian action wannabe.
Silly name for Seagal's character: Travis Hunter.
Seagal's girth: Godzilla.
Seagal's fighting: A little bit of bone crunching again.
Biggest WTF line: "What [ken do] school? - USCLA" (from Seagal's partner when asked what ken do school he attended)
Seagal's plot justification: Avenge his dead friend.
Seagal's voice: Sometimes he speaks japanese, sometimes english, sometimes the other people speak english, sometimes japenese.
Bottom line: Seagal in japan trying to flaunt his Japanese knowledge makes for a pretty mediocre Seagal film.
Rating(of 10):

Belly of the Beast? - Now even the writer\director is making fun of his girth!
Genre: Fantasy action
Silly name for Seagal's character: Jake Hopper
Seagal's size: Beastly
Seagal's fighting: Skinny body double do some of the work, and some bone crunching on his own account.
Biggest WTF line: "I liked you a lot better as a bitch."
Seagal's plot justification: Daughter kidnapped
Seagal's voice: Some other dude overdubbing his voice at times yet again
Bottom line: More eastern masturbation for Seagal, this time they even add some magic. Meh.
Rating(of 10):

Genre: Buddy action flick
Seagal's girth: Only a sizable pot belly.
Seagal's fighting: They made some effort again on this one, not that bad.
Biggest WTF line: "Yeah, cuckoo crazy! "
Seagal's plot justification: No one he cares about to avenge or rescue this time believe it or not.
Seagal's voice: His own.
Biggest WTF plot moment: The bad guys break into Alcatraz and threaten to kill an inmate who's strapped to the electric chair (he was going to be executed)
Bottom line: Apart from the extremely crazy plot, and bad acting from the 2 leads, it's not that bad.
Rating(of 10):

Genre: Action comedy
Silly name for Seagal's character: Orin Boyd
Seagal's girth: Only a little chubby(!)
Seagal's fighting: Pretty good actually.
Biggest WTF line: "If you want to feel the heat you got to have the meat"
Seagal's plot justification: See the one above.
Seagal's voice: His own yet again.
Biggest WTF moment: He decides to throw the vice president off a bridge.
Bottom line: I can't believe I'm saying this, but this was sort of good. For once a Seagal film was deliberately funny at times, the stunts were good and the plot was better than most of his films while still having the trademark "friend is an enemy" at the end. The end discussion between Tom Arnold and Anthony Anderson is rather amusing.
Rating(of 10):

RAN

Ran

Let's move on from the somewhat disappointing Yojimbo and get to an epic piece of cinematic history. Based on the King Lear story this movie takes place in the later days of the Samurai era, like many of Kurosawa's films. The film centers on Tatsuya Nakadai who plays Lord Hidetora, an old man who decides to leave his kingdom to his oldest son, Akira Terao who plays Takatora, much to the hidden dismay of his 2 other children Masatora(Jinpachi Nezu) and Saburo(Daisuke Ryu). Giving away the power while still keeping some doesn't go the way he thinks, and sparks internal fighting between the 2 oldest brothers, who both shun him, and his youngest son go into exile with his Father-in-law to be.

The tale is full of epic struggles, great characters, both male and female, loyalty, betreyal, lust, repent and madness. It's one of the most beautiful movies I have ever seen, the colours leap from the screen. Great castles and gorgeous landscape shots are littered through the film, it's got a great score, and all in all is a wonderful epic movie. It really has to be seen. It may be too long for some people, but it's well worth the wait for the conclusion at the end, which for most of the characters end in dismay.

Rating(out of 10)


It may very well merit a full 10 of 10 with the next viewing.

Yojimbo

Yojimbo

Yes this is the movie you've heard is the greatest since sliced bread, Kurosawa's finest and miles better than the pseudo American remake known as Fistful of Dollars.

Any samurai fanboys will be infuriated, but this is not a great movie. Infact it's surprisingly equal to Fistful of Dollars. They're both based on the same novel(and Leone obviously was inspired by Yojimbo), and share many similiar shots, but both work seperatly since they're in different worlds. The biggest advantage Fistful of Dollars has over Yojimbo is that it's much more plausible that a gunslinger can take out several at one time, than a samurai chopping people down like they're kindergarten kids.

Before you launch into a furious tirade, this IS a good movie, but it doesn't deserve the praise it gets. Compared to Kurosawa's finer pictures such as Ran or 7 Samurai it falls short by a long shot. Nothing about the movie really excells. Toshirô Mifune does a good job as the samurai, but then again so did Clint Eastwood. Enjoy this film at your own leisure, but don't expect a masterpiece.

One thing however is certain, it's miles better than the Bruce Willis remake Last man standing.

Rating(out of 10)

Galaxy Quest (1999)

Every now and then you come across little gems that you like surprisingly much, and Galaxy quest is such a movie. Set in present day, the movie centers around the former cast of the fictional tv show Galaxy Quest, who are now hasbeens and get their money doing conventions and humiliating commercials. But what happens when aliens who has seen the tv mistook it for a documentary and wants haphazard has beens to save them and their species from extinction.

Yeah it sounds pretty dodgy I know, but trust me, it isn't. The movie is a really a long send up\parody of Star Trek and other science fictions, but unlike most movies in the same genre, this one doesn't make fun of it's source material by degrading it.

The movie stars Tim Allen whose character obviously is built on William Shatner and James T Kirk(yes both of them), Alan Rickman who is more or less based on Leonard Nimoy, Sigourney Weaver who plays the sexy female crew member whose job in the show was to repeat the computer, Tony Shaloub as the engineer who is just either drugged out or just on a different reality, Darryl Mitchell as the former wonderkid pilot. The leader of the good aliens is played by Enrico Colantoni(best known from Just shoot me) and the evil alien leader is played by Robin Sachs.

However even if all of these do great jobs(particularly Shaloub and Colantoni), it is Sam Rockwell who steals the show. He plays a former extra in the show(who got killed in the first reel), who manages to sneak his way onto performing at a convention with the crew. And he's just named Guy. Everytime he's on the camera he's doing something hilarious, from the girlish scream the first time he meets the aliens, to his whining about his fear of getting killed all the time to how he tries to give advice to Tim Allen when he's beeing chased by a monster to form a "rudimentary lathe"

The film manages to do all the things that made Star Wars great, it's a nice warm film and a great adventure. And it's actually better than any of the Star Trek films, and unlike both of said franchises well acted. It's not an epic story like star wars though, and moves a lot faster. I can't think of anything bad about this movie, it may not be the deepest picture ever made, but it's down to earth morals are hard to deny.

On a side note Sigourney Weaver has never looked better than she did in this movie, and she was pushing 50 in it!

Rating(out of 10)


The imdb page for Galaxy Quest

Short clip from the movie

Alien Versus Predator

Let's find out how avp rates on the angry vikings shall we?


First of all let me say that I am a huge fan of the alien franchise, and I love predator 1 as well. Therefore any movie in either franchise that shit all over the series won't be earning any brownie points...

The making of an Alien Versus Predator movie took surprisingly long, the comics have been around since the late 80s, and even in predator 2 there was a reference to the predators hunting aliens. Add to the fact that both franchises have a lot of dedicated fans(altough tons more alien fans around), it was only a matter of time before the film was made.

The cast of this picture is relativly unkown, Lance Henriksen beeing the most known name to most. Also starring in the movie are Sanaa Lathan and Raoul Bova.
Unlike the cast of the 4 first alien pictures, this one is rather bland, but then again this is more of an action film than the previous ones.

A lot of people loathe avp, but I am not one of them. You've got the predator fanboys who get pissed off that one alien kills 2 predators, and you've got the alien fanboys who get pissed off that one predator kills a whole bunch of aliens. Yeah yeah so there's some minor spoilers in this review, get used to it punk!
The point is, when you make a pic of 2 franchises together you're bound to piss of some fans.

The first part of the movie is the gathering of the characters, and the setting of the mood. Apart from a ridiculous ice climb and chopper incident regarding Sanaa, this is done ok. Next part of the movie is the best one, with some well directed action and suspense, and you get to see what you obviously are watching this movie for, Aliens fighting predators. The last part of the movie is fairly ludicrous though, the alien queen looks and acts more like something off jurassic park than an alien film.

None of the actors here deserve any oscars, but they did ok, certainly no worse than the acting in alien res-erection or predator 2. Paul Anderson(the director) is not a bad director, he does have his own visual style like the previous alien films directors. However the problem is that he also wrote this picture, and he really can't hack it as a writer. So you'll get some awful lines every now and then, and things that don't make sense. Such as the gestation time of the alien, and the number of aliens.

Another major gripe people have with this picture is that it is set on earth, hence making Ripley's struggle in the alien films less scary, since the aliens have already been here. However even the director of the film says that it isn't canon, and this was set in a remote place on earth too, so I don't have a big problem with that.
People also complain that the predators are too short, and too bulky. They used the tallest stuntmen they could find for it, so that's just silly. They do however look bulky with all their armor, but I don't mind that since it makes the heavy fight one of the predators has with one alien more plausible I guess.

The movie was a box office success with a modest budget, and got mixed reviews intially, but more and more fans of the franchises have poured their hate for this film all over the internet since. So for the sequal avp2, Paul Anderson was axed. I don't have a big problem with that, I don't think continueing on the story would be any fruitful.

Rating(out of ten):


Trailer

Battlefield Earth

Greetings, I've decided to bring the angry viking into blog format, and what better and more fitting movie than Battlefield Earth could be used as the first post?

Starring the well known John Travolta and Forest Whitaker as psychlos, and Barry Pepper as mandkinds last great hope, this movie is set in the year 3000. We're told this in a brief intro text, which saves a lot of time instead of actually showing us some action as earth was invaded. Mankind has regressed back into stone age, and our hero goes out on a quest, but ends up getting captured by the evil psychlos.
Notice that clever word play? Psychlos - psychos? The psychlos are a mix of Predators and the evil aliens from Stargate in size, only with human heads and dreadlocks. And they can't breathe any air here, so they have to wear a noseclip. And they ofcourse speak an alien language, which sounds exactly like english except they sound like they are constipated.


Here's where John Travolta and Forest Whitaker comes into the action. John Travolta is the head of the security at the "dome" they are in, and Forest Whitaker is his sidekick. Travolta's character apparantly graduated head of his class, and gets mighty pissed off when he's forced to stay on earth, so he decides to do some embezzeling....

Without revealing too much of the great plot, I can assure you that you will see "tense" chases, "epic" fights, "great" explosions and "unfair" cruelty. All that and cavemen flying harrier jets with only hours(if that) of training.
As an added bonus, they decided to ting the colour of the movie to dark blue, so if you love that colour, this is right up your alley. For everyone else however it just looks as ridiculous as it's terrible acting, editing and directing is.

The movie is nearly 2 hours long, but due to the effects of the editing and directing, it seems like atleast 4. I've not read the Ron Hubbard novel, but surely it must have had more plot than this dreadful thing. And I expect the novel to be a disaster.

There's close to no saving graces for this movie. It bombed at the box office, and everyone hates it. I can understand why Travolta was in it, but how on earth Forest Whitaker got lured into this I will never know.

The movie was directed by Roger Christian, the man behind Nostradamus, Final cut and masterminds, all of which I have never heard of it. And surprisingly enough he is still directing, with his latest movie "prisoners of the sun" in post production as this is written.

Rating(out of 10):

Trailer for this disaster